Some personal thoughts about New Age wackos.

- Warning: New Agers Will Be Offended -

Gag. New Agers are the downright wackiest people on the face of the planet. If you're not familiar with them, think of New Agers like this: Pick the cheesiest and downright dumbest set of superstitions imaginable from each religion. Rename and repackage those superstitions, then sell them to millions of gullible people. That's about all there is to New Age. Pick up a copy of your local "holistic" magazine. Browse through it, and pay close attention to the ads. Notice anything? I have. New Agers are extremely gullible, and will buy just about anything as long as it's "new agey". New Agey? Yes, New Agey. It's hard to pin a definition down, but you'll know New Agey when you see it. Look for lots of cheesy, smarmy graphics (dolphins, unicorns, stars), photos of cheerful, middle-aged white people posing pensively, and text with lots of "fancy" words that don't really mean anything. One other thing you might notice while perusing these ads: There sure are a lot of "Ayurvedic Medicine" and chiropractic "Doctors". (Just look for the ads featuring cheerful, handsome middle-aged white guys, usually with pony tails and/or beards. These are most frequently the practitioners.) Just for yucks, call the telephone number of the good Doctor and ask where he went to medical school. Is New Age dangerous? We've all heard of the famous Heaven's Gate kooks, a prime example of a New Age cult gone haywire. But Heaven's Gate wasn't a particularly outrageous New Age sect, at least when you measure it against others. The various New Age movements are based on irrational thought and centuries-old superstitions. I used to be of the opinion that these New Agers were harmless little fuzz balls practicing their Dark Age superstitions in peace. Not so anymore. I found this ad in the Houston Chronicle:   Elizabeth Clare Profit (Oops! Typo. But I think it's so appropriate...) is not your friendly guide to angels and other happy, fluffy, loving creatures. Elizabeth Clare Prophet is actually the leader of a very dangerous Doomsday Cult based in Montana. Her cult has stockpiled massive amounts of ammunition and heavy-caliber weapons in underground bunkers. Sound familiar? Doesn't she sound sort of waco? What I find equally disturbing about Prophet is the way she recruits members. If you had never heard of her, were the gullible type, and saw this ad, would you imagine what she's really up to there in Montana? Probably not. Look at the ad and judge for yourself. It just reeks of positive, happy New Ageness. The only ingredient the ad is missing is the silhouette of a dolphin, a common visual in New Age ads. How 'bout some truth in advertising, Liz? Why don't you tell folks about the heavy weaponry and underground bunkers? I have received a number of letters from CUT survivors over the past few months. Since Doomsday failed to arrive when Liz promised, CUT has seen a steady drain of believers and their all-important cash. Here's an update. Lots of New Age gobbledygook Fmeh. You know what? The only difference between Elizabeth Clare Prophet and the rest of the New Age saps is Liz's are armed. And why is New Age is so full of gobbledygook buzz phrases? Concise grammar seems to be a no-no in the world of New Age. "Pranic Crystal Healing", "clarity", "soul retrieval", "Greys" (supposed alien kidnappers), "transformational healing wisdom", "energy work", "chiropractic", "homeopathy", "Feng Shui", "co-dependency", "channeling", "aromatherapy", "aura photography", "ear candling" (the New Ager lies on their side, sticks a candle in his or her ear, lights it, then waits as the candle "sucks out" those nasty, undefined poisons from their sinuses - I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried), "hydrocolonic therapy" (a New Age way of saying enema)... all these buzzwords can be yours! (Last phrase stolen from Rev. Ivan Stang) Would you like to read more about the New Dark Ages? Check out the following links: Transcendental Meditation - Learn how to levitate and become invisible just by squatting around and thinking happy thoughts! It'll cost you, though. Look what happened to Doug Henning, who was one of the greatest magicians in the past 50 years. A tragic waste of talent. Chiropractic - Sure, back rubs feel good. But chiropractors claim they can also cure you of a host of diseases that supposedly stem from poor spinal alignment. One of the most profitable, well-known niches in the New Age superstition marketplace. Non-medical, non-sensible, nonsense. Homeopathy - "Like cures like." At least that's what they say. But ask yourself why these drugs have never been approved by the FDA. Quack, quack! Alien Abduction - One of the fastest growing sects in the New Age movement, alien abductees mistake bad dreams, usually with the aid of a suggestive hypnotist, for actual events. Some "abductees", including famous horror-fiction writer Whitley Streiber, have written books on their "ordeal" and have reaped millions. These "Abductees" are usually quite sincere, despite the lack of any proof of their "ordeal". The evil alien kidnappers ("Greys") are also supposed to do nasty things to cattle. Of course, alien cattle mutilation stories usually stem from ranchers who can't collect insurance settlements on plain old vulture-mutilated dead cows, but can collect big bucks on supposed "alien" or "cult" cattle mutilations. (My favorite crackpot cattle mute story was from a fellow who offered a "mysterious white powder" found on the animal carcass as "proof" of evil ETs. Turns out it was dried vulture poop.) Click here to listen to my opinion on the whole alien/UFO phenomenon. Psychics - They come in two different styles. Misguided fools who believe they have supernatural powers, and outright money-grubbing frauds. Ask yourself why a "psychic" would have to charge $3.99/minute on a psychic phone line to make a living. Any true psychic could make a helluva lot more than that just by playing the lottery or by becoming a professional poker player. Urine Therapy - Many new agers like to chug down their own urine because they think it has magic medical powers. I am serious. I don't know if these new agers prefer their urine "on-the-rocks" or with a twist of lemon. Frankly, I don't want to know. Wiccans - We used to laugh at people who called themselves witches. So they adopted an "olde English" name that sounds vaguely friendly and more reputable, and laced their expressions with oh-so-cute phrases. Wiccans are perhaps the corniest of New Agers - every day is a renaissance fair to the average Wiccan. To speak Wiccan, just put together two words that have the same first letter: "Merry Meet", "Blessed Be", "Love 'n Light" are good examples of Wiccaspeak. One ironic frailty of Wiccans is their hatred of Christians - while they (quite rightly) speak out against intolerance in the Christian community, they often appear as bitter, mean-spirited people themselves - the religious left's yin to the religious right's yang. UPDATE! This one little paragraph above has drawn the most hate mail of all. Evidently, the Wiccan superstition is so frail that it can't handle a little well-deserved mocking - I'm routinely flooded with messages (and even outright threats) demanding that I remove the offending paragraph. In fact, this page has been blacklisted as a "most offensive hate site" by busybody Wiccans. Approach Wiccans with caution - many of them are way off the deep end and will stop at nothing to shut you down if they don't like what you have to say. I've experienced legal threats (see the right), threats of violence, and calls to my Internet provider. To all the Wiccans trying to censor my opinions, this page has been here four years now, and will continue to be here. Deal with it. Oh yeah - thanks for demonstrating my point that Wicca is the yin to the religious right's yang!) UFOs - Sure, UFOs exist. Only a fool (or possibly a blind person) would deny the existence of such phenomenon. But examine the definition of UFO more closely: Unidentified Flying Object. UFO does not mean "alien piloted spacecraft". UFO simply means an object is spotted in the sky that the viewer cannot identify. Because the viewer cannot identify the object does not mean someone with more expertise cannot identify the object either. With the thousands of claims of alien-piloted UFOs, why is there no tangible proof? Nothing. Not even an alien bolt or ashtray. And don't get me started on that Fox TV alien autopsy nonsense! A superstitious New Age load New Agers are mostly upper-middle class/wealthy folks who obviously have more time and money on their hands than common sense. The Free Love 1960's has spawned millions of superstitious whiners - a huge superstitious load from New Age, Inc. Hate mail? I don't. E-mail us! But if you're gonna send me a kooky diatribe, it's probably a good idea for you to check my hate mail page first. Chances are, you're only repeating what's already been said. I'm offended! Take me back to WATCHINGYOU.COM

Join Us In The New Age Wackos Discussion Forum! Disagree with this page? Then step up to the plate and vent your anger in the uncensored New Age Wackos message board. Click here to enter.   A Message to New Agers That They Can't Answer: How has new age benefited humanity? I don't see a cure for cancer coming from new agers. I don't see any homeopathic AIDS medicines. New age gurus have invented no viable way to increase food production in poor countries. Aromatherapy didn't increase our average life expectancy. Chiropractors didn't eliminate smallpox. Fact is, new age has presented ZERO benefits for humanity. None! Here's another startling fact: New age is a very selfish belief system practiced by well-fed white people who only care about "me". "Oh my life is terrible. I need Pranic Crystal Healing and transformational healing wisdom to bring clarity to my quest for soul retrieval." New agers are such friggin' WHINERS! Discover Five Truths About The Paranormal Shocking! Scandalous! Click here to enter!     Why I Take This New Age Nonsense Seriously I have a personal axe to grind with these New Age frauds. Back in 1979, my late Grandfather was slowly dying with Altzheimers. It is a particularly malicious disease. Instead of destroying the body, it destroys the mind. My Mother, a well-meaning but naive product of the 1960s, was quite understandably frantic for a cure, and tried various New Age fads. I distinctly remember seeing my poor, befuddled Grandfather standing in the middle of a health food store as some quack placed a piece of food or a jar of homeopathic "medicine" in his left hand, then press down on his right arm to determine if the product had curative powers. (I have since learned that this idiotic practice is called "Applied Kinesiology", or AK.) Those quacks took my Mom's money, but what's more disgusting, they took advantage of her desperation. How can these shysters sleep at night? If people weren't victimized by this New Age nonsense, I wouldn't care. But people are victimized. People needlessly suffer, and billions of dollars are wasted on ineffective treatments. The FDA needs to put a stop to it.     Cool Links Here are some other great links sure to annoy new agers. Warning: These Websites involve icky things like science and reason and may not be suitable to the more sensitive new age wacko. The Skeptic's Dictionary Quack Watch James Randi Skeptic News CSICOP Fun Hate Mail! New agers claim to be tolerant. Guess what? New Age Wackos Hatemail         This Site Is Illegal You heard right. Many Wiccans have told me that my opinions are tantamount to "hatecrimes" and I should be prosecuted for my opinions. I posed a sensible question to one of them: Does this mean that someone who glues a Darwin Fish on their car is guilty of a hatecrime since the act dismisses one of the major tenets of Christianity? I was shocked when this Wiccan told me that it was.