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The dang cattle
rustlin' varmints.
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Those mysterious Grey aliens. After traveling millions of light years, the first thing they do when they get here is molest our cattle. Coring cattle anuses with "laser-like precision", removing cattle lips and eyes, draining the blood, and leaving a mysterious dry white powder on the poor dead cow late at night - what an amazing life these Greys must lead. They possess the knowledge of interstellar spaceflight. They can de-materialize at will, float through walls, abduct sensitive New Agers, then lecture those New Agers on the importance of living an ecologically-sound lifestyle. Greys are special aliens, alright. So if they're so advanced, why do they feel the urge to molest cattle? Is there some mysterious treasure trove of knowledge contained in the rectums and lips of the standard cow that we're not aware of?
It's time for Texans to fight back. It's time we made a stand, and "Just say no" to the Greys.
We can take these Greys. We can take them down quicker than a Chevy Suburban taking down an armadillo at night on Highway 90. We've got pretty open laws here in Texas about protecting our property against intruders. These Greys are invading our homes late at night, abducting our fellow Texans, and subjecting them to humiliating sexual ordeals. They've broken two laws right there, and they're biggies: kidnapping and rape. If an abductee decided to fight back, there ain't a jury in this state that will vote to convict, much less try, the victim that fights back against these illegal aliens. What can I do to fight back against the Greys?
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over they years.
These mean skeptics also contend that scavengers like ants, beetles
and vultures go for the softest dead tissue first, like the eyes,
lips and rectum, because those parts are the easiest to get to.
To add insult to injury, these mean skeptics claim that once
the heart stops beating, blood will flow to and coagulate in
the lowest portion of the body, giving the appearance that the
cow has been "drained." And to top it off, these mean
skeptics say that the mysterious dried white substance found
on the mutilated cow is nothing more than dried vulture poop.
But what the hell do a bunch of pathologists know, anyway? As
Americans, we get our science from TV shows like NBC's "Unsolved
Mysteries" and Fox specials hosted by Jonathan Frakkes.
Scientists just get in the way of things, and are probably part
of the Secret UFO Conspiracy that wants to keep us from knowing
the truth.
Take a look at these
Grey guys. Pretty pathetic, aren't they? Skinny, toothpick legs,
pipecleaner arms, what a bunch of interstellar wimps. No wonder
they only 
abduct New Agers, and molest poor, defenseless
creatures like cattle. For corn's sake, 
That's up to you.
Did your hypnotherapist tell you that you're being abducted on
a regular basis by Grey space aliens? Did you find Bossy dead
in the field, with a cored asshole and no eyes? Do you suddenly
feel that you aren't living life as ecologically sound as you
should be? Then according to the experts, you could be a victim
of the Greys. Fight back! You're bigger than them. Their puny
alien bodies are no match for our superior Texas genes. If you
see a flying saucer landing in your driveway, get the 4x4 pickumup
out of the garage and make some Grey pancakes. Grease the wheels
with alien slime. Buy yourself some Texas Longhorn cattle, and
give those Grey bastards a taste of their own medicine. Send
'em back home with a cattle horn buried up THEIR ass (or whatever
orifice they have) for once.